Jeff and I just celebrated our nth wedding anniversary the other day, and it’s pretty clear to most people that we are happy together. I often get asked what our secret is, sometimes by other musician widows, because of his irregular and busy calendar. Short answer? He’s lucky I’m very independent.
Oh yes, we have some pretty great arguments and yell-y fights, some which are supremely ridiculous and unique, along with disagreements and frustrations that are probably similar to everyone else’s. One shiny pound coin or a batch of freshly baked scones to anyone who can clearly explain to me why we sometimes act the shittiest to the people we love the most.
So, while riding a train to somewhere beautiful last week on our wedding anniversary, we came up with this list:
- Do the dishes. You don’t have to want to do the dishes, but that’s a moot point if the dishes are already done. Just do them. Errands, chores and emotional labour resentments can build up quicker than you think, and constantly being the lazy one is never, ever going to be a sexy look. RAWRRRRRRRR.
- I’m going to take that horrid, misogynist adage ‘happy wife, happy life’ and break it down:
- First, do everything you can, big and small, to help each other realize their hopes and dreams.
- Second, if something matters way more to one person than the other, whether it’s minor stuff like looking for a specific type of electric kettle that suits your vintage modern kitchen, or major stuff like the type of property you buy, let the person who cares more ‘win’.
- One toilet per person, if that’s possible.
- Be polite to each other. People have actually made fun of us for this – but why wouldn’t we be nice?
- Share your online calendars – and if you both stay on top of your own, planning stuff gets so much easier.
- Get the biggest bed you can.
- You don’t have to spend all of your time together. As a jazz guitar widow, if I hadn’t maintained and developed my own interests and hobbies, I’d be a very bored, possibly codependent, person. That also goes for keeping your other friendships strong too.
- Relatedly, taking separate trips doesn’t mean you’re staring down a divorce. Life gets busy and sometimes it’s the only way. It will give you a chance to miss each other.
- Let your partner rant and vent about their bad day or problem for a while, and ask permission before offering solutions.
- Don’t jump ahead on the TV shows you’re watching together.
- Respect each other’s daily routines and circadian rhythms.
- Try to figure something out on your own before disturbing your partner. Look for the thingummy before simply yelling ‘where’s the blah-blah?’, or google the thing you don’t know. The internet is pretty amaze. Your washing machine’s manual can most likely be downloaded as a pdf.
- Get onto the same page when it comes to sex. Someone incredibly wise I know likes to say, ‘use it or lose it’.
- Ditto for money. Except for the ‘use it or lose it’ part.
- Make a comprehensive grocery list and actually look at it while you do the shopping. Everyone has a few grocery must-haves: replenish those without being asked.
- Be on each other’s side. For big things, of course, but for little things too. Don’t say yes to the date of a big, raucous family thing when you know it will take place a scant number of hours after your jetlagged partner flies in from a different continent. If someone is saying something hurtful to your partner, speak up. If your bantam-sized wife decides to run outside and tell off the 6’3” guy whose car alarm has gone off all night, every night, for a week, stand beside her, even if the car alarm guy is terrified within seconds of her tirade.
What do we live for, if it is not to make life less difficult for each other? – George Eliot